what comes around, colors my world

one of my journal pages from a recent moment when i was flooded with information and couldn't take it in intellectually. i switched and started with colors and shapes and here is what i ended up with. then i came home and found this start to a blog. ok, so they both are far from perfect, but the synchronicity could not be ignored, at least not by me:)

this week is completely different. i'm so much more willing to be in my moments, expect good things and am actually finding that to be true. once again a reminder of how life moves in ebb and flow, and where i'm standing in the tide makes all the difference on how i experience the truth.

i am learning that as i trust emergence, the beautiful things for which i seek...i.e. "how a little lama finds her way in the world" seem to just show up gloriously. and when i integrate all my allowing spirit with my silly little old ego, i love what bubbles to the surface!


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Now playing: Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová - Falling Slowly
via FoxyTunes





Lisa J. Winston Photography

Introspection Loves Company

(author's note re: dramatic liscence...these are the combined words, thoughts, heartbeats of my mystic tribe. i ask full pardon and blessing for combining them to the beat of my own heart)

Oh Ram.....

When alone and introspective

I marvel at the creature and spirit that breathes its way into my awareness...

The drums are getting louder and my heart beats in time...

When the wind touches me in new ways

I feel the smell of the summer air for the first time

It weaves in and out of being in the world,

Consciously entering into and emerging from Presence.

delving deep within, and trusting fully

Jumping "off the cliff" empty handed

I hear this call out of the fog of forgetfulness.

Take the jump not because it is comfortable, but because comfort follows the jump.

Look forward to the splash as we take the leap together

Into this expansive void I free fall with gusto

From a high-ground view where my intent wavered,

and where I stopped to swallow stillness.

as promised, here's my voice again,

It flutters like a million Butterfly wings

Sounding out, a tone to follow....

Back to the well where we'll drink once more.

I feel your words now

Vibrating, jingling my bones, dancing under my skin...

In anticipation and Love for my tribe.....
I feel you all so very close, with every breath.....

The body as a temple is practice in answer to prayer

The balancing elixir of our systems

Headed for something Biblical or divine,

out of my awareness I do manage to find the switch

And love every minute of this wild ride;

Learning to stay grounded, in rhythm with earth.

I end up an alchemist making elixirs of rock, vortexes of manifest ease.

If the earth were not cracked open we would never have known

Never known the jewels, the great Earth medicines

Life goes on, important events "just happen".

No amount of preparation or lack thereof will change anything

Heartaches arrive on my doorstep

Accompanied with a freedom previously mistaken for loss.

A couple I welcome inside to get warm

They make themselves intimately known to the who I am today

I am "chomping at the bit"...

like the wind horse pulling on the reigns of our awareness;

The soul rearing to go, galloping into its remembrance of undifferentiated Self.

Sometimes I am unsure of what I might find;

others I am at rest in the Divine Mother's lap

Knowing that I knew nothing...

Hence the ground cracking open...blasting through my Pisces Sun,

The water of this swim burns at noonday and fills my gills

Come out to the desert one and all.

The Land waits

The Mystery is waiting

I am surrounded by a ring of fire.

Out of the circle of time and into the circle of love
only when I stopped to listen,

Was I able to hear?

Will we be chased through the desert by our captors?

Will the sea part, leading us to our freedom?

Shut the talking down,

Break through the gateway,

Guarding the mystery of heart

Balancing the daily company of death,

I am in awe of the power

I am very much at peace

It's important for us to feel each other gathering....

Emptied, enchanted, expanded, ecstatic and.... united as One.
Just to Re-member our Wholeness

with open arms and heart

And in the "unknowing", where all pictures turn

velvety darkness or pure potential,

the entire landscape transforms

At the still point, I wait with joyful anticipation of our reunion.

YOU HAVE ONLY TO BE STILL.

Messenger of messengers

Enough silence to truly hear.
I answer the call to return to our circle

and delve deeper into the water,

Divine Rebirth

Oh Ram…how curious your costume

petitelama, Deborah, Delora, Lisa, Don, David, Julie, Julia, Lola, Kim, Tracie, Mary, Wendy Sue, Ryan, Margaret, Dana, Anne lise, Sandy, Diana

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Now playing: peter gabriel Salisbury Hill
via FoxyTunes

i ask you, is this the eye of God?

i'm not quite sitting on the dock of the bay, but the view from where i am atop the trees of the amazon is not one to scoff at. from my perch in the trees it would seem i am just another creature of the jungle...and my lovely friend (her partner was just a tad bit more shy) appears to be questioning me as much as i am questioning her. do you think perhaps she thinks me god as well? in her world that girl with the crazy, frizzy (thank you rain forest humidity) hair could be the strangest thing she has ever seen and just might be considered some kind of celestial visitation. (since i have added a little more blond to my hair of late, everyone thinks me a tad bit heavenly)

my question really is, why isn't that bright eyed, alert and a little bit cunning bird in front of me the god i am looking for? and perhaps she is...i really couldn't ask to be placed more squarely in the heartbeat of the world or perhaps the cosmos than where i am sitting right now. i am breathing deeply, opening heart and eyes...from this stance layers peel away and i feel stripped bare and vulnerable and like it that way

No better time than the present

well it's almost over, the world's longest lasting sprint, run-up-to-the-finishline, push through til you get it done, kick my ass month of work that i've had in a long time. i've just sent off a group of 15 tired, worn-out, hard-working and much-expecting americans, from their first ever humanitarian expedition in brazil. while there is so much to say about all of our experiences here and so many details about them all, this is not the place for that. Rather, this is the place for what i learned about me and the ways things work during this quite challenging experience.

and here's the thing...i'm happy to be alive, doing what i'm doing, being who i'm being. there are so many nitpicky things i could say about the people i've just traveled with (i'm sure they could say things about me as well), or criticisms i could lodge about the work we've done and how i wish we could do it better--with improvement each time, or about how my life just isn't complete, but i just don't want that to be what i ever say, where my brain ever goes, how my time is ever spent. it seems funny to me to learn this lesson at this time in my life, but while my precious little egoic brain is struggling to do all the things i've listed above. my now, well-worn heart and spirit are calmly taking a breather. the 3 of us have all just had the same experience, but the heart and spirit part are just done letting the ego brain take the lead at this point.

i was explaining the concept of the "debrief" to my friend here the other day. this is to sit down after an experience and pick it apart. take apart all the pieces and examine them from every side. i just absolutely love to do this--my brain gets very mentally satisfied to go through all this examination and finally calm itself once all the "debriefing" endorphins have been exhausted. my choice at this moment is to learn that there is not a need for the "debrief" in this way anymore. my brain/ego in charge just absolutely won't accept that reasoning. it wants, it needs to go through the process to resolve all loose ends and energy that are hanging out there, to compartmentalize, analyze, clearly define all aspects of the experience. but i see now, that this extreme processing does not serve my spirit. my spirit accepts what is, what has been done--loves how everything plays out and moves forward with confidence that all will be well, all is well.

that is my truth right now, as i choose that, behave in accordance with that belief--that is how the flow of energy surrounding me gets flowing on my behalf.

i had a great chat with one young man this week who was all full of bragadoccio and piss and vinegar. through his eyes, he had no need to concern himself with the people or circumstances going on around him because he had enough determination and personal power to muscle through any situation. in my eyes, i see he has an amazing bit of strength, but how much more can he accomplish when he chooses to get the flow of things around him to go in his same direction. i turn this lesson right in on myself, here i am, in this moment...i choose to step into the river that is flowing in my life; embrace fully the opportunities that show up as gifts and challenges--and start paddling with all my might--or floating when the current takes me...

to be right here in the gift of now...

did any of this make sense? it's all i've got for now, just really wanted to take a moment to reflect in a way that didn't give full charge to my ego:)


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Now playing: Resgate Surf - nada e impossivel
via FoxyTunes

That VALR, she's so HOT right now!!!

Mother earth, wide and deep
stirs the elemental cauldron of pure matter.
As the Queen holds dominion over hive life
inherent order's beauty is realized.

Balancing a timeless dance of earth
while waltzing gently in fluid birth.
Embracing both the ebb and flow
within your nurturing womb.

Spreading Limbs broad and true,
the energy of life revealed
in the heavens of Kether and dirt of Malkuuth.

Seeking long enough to find
that death comes to the ego
only when the conscious priestess lends her graceful gaze.
And when truly "singing out her flesh"
does the heart beat once again from this worthy praise.

Now challenged as only the lone HERMIT can express
How can the HERO brave the mighty Thorn
to reach the blessed Flower?

Up on the hill set that hedge ablaze
and breathe the initiate's fire.
It is in choice of Holy MOMENT that she lingers no more,
and leaps to enter the battle.

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Now playing: Edie Brickell & New Bohemians - Good Times
via FoxyTunes

stand like a tree

i started this story over a year ago (chapter 1 Life on Earth) and have written a few versions for myself of the next chapter. over the past several weeks the next chapter has all but leapt from it's origins and i thought i would share it with you...

chapter 2

As she stepped over the garden wall, the girl child began to run. She had practiced this running thing inside the castle many times, especially when she wasn’t supposed to be prowling about; like the time she fell asleep in the throne room only to awaken to the hushed tones of constance and one of the scribes as they discussed the terrible illness of the queen’s mother that had come so quickly and without warning that no one had been able to wish her a fond journey as she left the palace seeking a new home for her sprirt . the ever-so-small girl child ran like the wind on her very tippy toes unheard as she was unseen, leaping into the menagerie of animal topiaries in the courtyard where she wailed and grieved the loss of that kind spirit who sometimes did notice the rustling undercurrent as the child passed by and kindly hummed a lullaby or two thinking fondly on younger days.

Well this time her running was full of joy, it was as if her sturdy boots spurred her to greater speeds, energetically springing from the ground, eager to tap out the rythm of horsed hooves on hard ground. She soon became so warm that she shed her warm fur robe and laid down her bag and baskets; knowing she could return for these later; hers was a sprint of utter blissful abandon.

Deep in the forest a clearing opened in front of her where a glint of light filtered down through the massive leaves of ancient maples and sycamores. The cool green light reflecting there stopped this newly born forest sprite in her tracks. The only sound she could hear was the enormous pounding of her heart right up in her ears and the rasping breaths filling her lungs with the scent of newly turned earth. There was even the slightly tinny flavor of slowly growing moss on the wide low branches of the trees here, only just moistened by the morning mists.

As her breath began to pace itself inside her lungs the girl caught another sound here in the clearing. The forest lichen clung deeply to the ancient runic stones spread about the clearing and the rhythm of another beat sounded in her ears…these anciently placed monoliths seemed to be in a dance of their very own partnering only with the sprites of the trees surrounding them. Without hesitation, our sapling tree druid reached down and slipped off her boots—feeling the heartbeat of mother earth below as she pounded out the rhythm of this lifegiving dance. It was suddenly apparent that what had once appeared to be a still and frozen clearing was really a much more stately and graceful dance floor than any even lady chatelaine herself had favored.

The leaves and light the trees and stone were weaving the most ethereal and golden path of essence through this clearing and the dance had been going on for centuries. Roots and moss began to cover her own bared feet as she lent her soles to the dance, and her arms lifted into the air, reaching to join the lofty tops of leafy trees where the warming sun sounded out the cadence of the dance. This golden union lasted years, or maybe just a moment but in that moment her veins and nerves sunk like energetic roots deep in the earth sharing a secret knowledge and imprint that rises from the earth to empower and awaken them with the wisdom of lifetimes–imprinting there a blueprint for guidance that cannot be forgotten no matter how distant the connection may become.

Her arms and even the hair on her head rose with the spirit of her soul in song to the sun, which in turn rained down lilting notes of symphonic light filling to overflow the harmonic connections to the child’s heart and the surrounding spirits of the dance. The deep rich resonating vibration that filled the clearing became the stuff of legends. The music of this moment rivaled that of the lady Florence and became the life pursuit of many a –court musician to capture it in notes and instruments.

In that priceless moment , as the girl’s spirit joined with earth and sky, the living spirit of the woods and the world, the lords, ladies and courtiers of the castle reawakened with a gasp. They too had felt what had never been felt before . and with that, the young lovely knelt down slipping back on her boots and turned to venture with great anticipation even deeper into the waiting forest.

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Now playing: the cure - Just Like Heaven (acoustic)
via FoxyTunes

why you wanna fly?

tortion in your look, something has occurred
is it possible that in this judgment we have erred?
is there something gently disguised by the twinkle in your eyes,
and do we mispeak by asking clearly to hear about your week?

it's not a problem especially and we don't mean to pry,
but the clenching stress and twitch might yet reveal the lie.
don't be alarmed by this momentary aberration
it's just something to note while passing through the station.

something to note about the psyche or consciousness
in this child that walks so bravely and silently among us.
i don't have much to go on to identify the issue
that belies the remarkable softness as it yields its inner tissue.

a melting implies that we are finally letting go of shape
while holding the gentle infant within the visionary's scape.
honor comes with engineered development of presence
an opportunity for thoroughbred to open up to essence.


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Now playing: Nina Simone - Blackbird
via FoxyTunes

Batter up!!!

Wow, talk about curve balls...
just when i'm pretty damn sure i've got it all figured out, life steps in to clearly assure me that it is time to stop figuring altogether and let go of this desperate need i seem to have to storyboard the ending of any situation in my life. it's tough to see around a curved corner to know the result at the end of the toss.

This is a good thing

in spite of all i might like to think to the contrary in the moment, what i recognize and feel so much gratitude for is that i can let go of all that "worry". the need to think about how things will work out, whether or not all the details will be taken care of, when you think about, the humor is blatant that i might actually have any level of control about those kinds of things. i wonder, did the "mighty casey" think it was a good thing when that third strike cleared home plate?

So why is this good?

the best thing i can say about that right now is that it relieves my poor little struggling ego from the responsibility of taking care of everything in the entire world that crosses my path at any level. Can you see how that is good? and more importantly--i can see and feel and breathe why letting go of that kind of wasted brain focus, opens my senses to so many more ways to learn things, to experience moments and to love life! it's a wonder we never hear the story of "mighty casey" the brainsurgeon, homeroom school teacher or amazing dad...these are the powerful stories that have a way of working themselves out and making great impact in the lives of so many that are entirely outside of our control. with that in mind, i say it's time to

PLAY BALL!!!

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Now playing: Billy Joel - Take Me Out to the Ball Game
via FoxyTunes

'Where have all the februaries gone' or 'time keeps on slippin into the future'

is it actually march? of 2009? this has been a fast-moving moment of living i have been moving through for the past little while; and at the same time slow in a way of noticing that hasn't always been my practice. . .



Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
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Now playing: Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now
via FoxyTunes

rest in motion

movement--

change of venue

change of weather

change of body positions

different or any music

it's been a long few weeks of hard work, and i really haven't had much time for doing the personal, meaningful stuff we all crave. i'm noticing some things though that are making me really happy about my life. i started working at my current job, a start-up non-profit in march of last year. when i began, my boss said we would start with 20 hours a week, she and i the only two employees, and then see where we needed to grow. i worked 20 hours just that first week and haven't worked less than 40 since then, and usually more like 50-60. (one excrutiating week at 97.5 hours, but now i'm just begging for sympathy.)

i give you all this information because i am recognizing some great things about my own comfort level with all of this busyness and work this year. it has been hard and challenging, but i have actually quite thouroughly enjoyed it! this is so different for me. even when i am doing work i love, my need for down time, introspection and processing has always been pretty extreme and i have always looked for ways to include activities of solitude and peace throughout my weeks. those activities are few and far between for me these days and i am recognizing the fact that, for me, it's o.k. not to have perfectly blocked out "inner-work" time. it's o.k. to count a 10 minute bath as both daily hygiene and meditation; a cup of coffee with the paper counts as a "ritual" for the day that calms the inner beast.

i like it, and i'm so grateful--in our world of constant go, go, go, i am the first person to urge people and myself to always plan a few minutes for ourselves. But i am loving the fact that the distinct nature of these moments is loosening and expanding for me. the firm lines between in motion and at rest are blurring and here's the thing...
rest in motion is a great place to find solace. rather than believing the only way to leave behind the worries of a work-a-day world is to actually leave it behind, i am finding that i can "leave it behind" if i consciously choose to do so in anything i'm doing. a drive to the bank becomes a chance to pound out my favorite rock anthem, taking the stairs at work evolves into a rythmic way to focus on my own heartbeat, and writing in the hotel lobby while waiting for a meeting clears the cobwebs from my introspective brain.

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Now playing: Cake - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
via FoxyTunes